Joe Brainard's Pyjamas

Quotes
“I don't want to be a genius - I have enough problems just trying to be a man. ”
Albert Camus

“One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star. ”
Friedrich Nietzsche

“The mere formulation of a problem is far more essential than its solution. ”
Albert Einstein

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. ”
Leo Tolstoy

“We've upped our standards, so up yours. ”
Anon.

“Have you noticed that, when we were young, we were told that 'everybody else is doing it' was a really stupid reason to do something, but now it's the standard reason for picking a particular software package? ”
Barry Gehm

“Mickey isn't a drawing of Mickey. The drawing is Mickey. ”
Jay Cantor

“..and every bit The Young Fool of I-Ching Hexagram 4 ”
Jim Collier

“Q: How you do make a cat go 'woof'?
A: Douse it in gasoline, and throw it into the fireplace ”

“We are all serving a life sentence in the dungeon of life. ”
Cyril Connolly

“There's small choice in rotten apples.
Act 1, Scene 1 of Taming of the Shrew”
Shakespeare

“Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. ”
Arthur C. Clarke

“Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. ”
W.C. Fields

“The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. ”
William Clayton

“Freedom suppressed and again regained bites with keener fangs than freedom never endangered. ”
Marcus Tullius Cicero

“Of all the barbarous Middle Ages, that Which is most barbarous is the middle age Of man... ”
Byron

“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. ”
Oscar Wilde

“Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. ”
P.J. O'Rourke

“War is the highest expression of a truly cultured people. ”
Frederick von Bernardi

“Reading books made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he had read made him mad. ”
George Bernard Shaw

“Say you were an idiot. And say you were elected to congress. But I repeat myself... ”
Mark Twain

“There are no secrets - Only information you don't yet have. ”
Anon.

“When stepping into the stream of consciousness, don't slip on the rocks. ”
Siddharta Gautama (the Buddha)

“"Scientist: We could remove the crayon for you! It could vastly increase your brain power! Or it could possibly kill you.

Homer: Hmm... increase my killing power eh?" ”
Homer Simpson

“The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. ”

“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.”
Homer Simpson

“Trying is the first step towards failure. ”
Homer Simpson

“The Law of Raspberry Jam - The wider any culture is spread, the thinner it gets. ”
Alvin Toffler

“There are lies, damn lies and statistics. ”
Mark Twain

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. ”
Mark Twain

“In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards. ”
Mark Twain

“Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad. ”
W.C. Fields

“If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. ”
Finagle's First Law

“No matter what the experiment's result, there will always be someone eager to: (a) misinterpret it. (b) fake it. or (c) believe it supports his own pet theory. ”
Finagle's Second Law

“In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. ”
Finagle's Third Law

“Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. ”
Finagle's Fourth Law

“Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
--His reply ”
Winston Churchill

“Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. ”
John Lehman (US secretary of the Navy)

“The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words. ”
From an article on the growth of federal regulations in the Oct. 24th issue of the National Review

“The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest. ”
Kilgore Trout

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. ”
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

“'He didn't fall? Inconceivable!' --Vezzini

'You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.' --Inigo Montoya ”
The Princess Bride.

“MADNESS COMES FROM FAIRY TALES ”
Political grafitti, postwar Germany

“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. ”
John F. Kennedy

“I have just received the following telegram from my generous Daddy. It says, 'Dear Jack: Don't buy a single vote more than is necessary. I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for a landslide.'”
John F. Kennedy

“The team has come along slow but fast. ”
Casey Stengel, Baseball player/manager

“Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation. ”
Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President

“It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago ”
Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President

“There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it. ”
Anon.

“I find television very educating. Everytime somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ”
Groucho Marx

“I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”
David Edison

“Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. ”
Ernie Kovacs

“I don't know what weapons World War Three will be fought with, but World War four will be fought with sticks and stones.”
Albert Einstein

“Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie. ”
Dennis Miller

“The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners. ”
Ernest Jan Plugge

“The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell”
Confucious

“Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it? ”
Homer Simpson

“Gentlemen, you can't fight in here - this is the War Room! ”
Dr. Strangelove

“Vizzini: I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.
Westley: You're that smart?
Vizzini: Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
Westley: Yes.
Vizzini: Morons.”
The Princess Bride

“Marge : There's a man here who says he can help you.
Homer : Is it Batman?
Marge : He's a scientist.
Homer : Batman's a scientist.
Marge : It's not Batman!”
Homer Simpson

“Life is pain. You've opened the door, now step through... ”
Slug

“The two most important tools an architect has are the eraser in the drawing room and the sledge hammer on the construction site. ”
Frank Lloyd Wright

“No matter how beautiful, no matter how cool your interface, it would be better if there were less of it. ”
Alan Cooper

“If you take a middle-of-the-road position, you risk getting hit by traffic from both directions ”
Margaret Thatcher

“Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. ”
Sam Brown, Washington Post, 1977

“I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones. ”
John Cage

“A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines. ”
Frank Lloyd Wright

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. ”
Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.

“Never be afraid to try something new. - Remember that amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. ”
Anon.

“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion. ”
Donald Rumsfeld

“We're all sons of bitches now. ”
J. Robert Oppenheimer

“A strong sense of duty imprisons you. ”
Jenny Holzer

“Deviants are sacrificed to increase group solidarity. ”
Jenny Holzer

“Most people are not fit to rule themselves. ”
Jenny Holzer

“Private property created crime. ”
Jenny Holzer

“Symbols are more meaningful than things themselves. ”
Jenny Holzer

“You are a victim of the rules you live by. ”
Jenny Holzer

“People who do stupid things with hazardous materials often die. ”
Jim Davidson

“Deep down, I'm pretty superficial. ”
Anais Nin

“Sometimes silence is golden, but sometimes it's just yellow. ”
George Taylor, Malleteer

“I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. ”
e e cummings

“If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance. ”
George Bernard Shaw

“If you are going through hell, keep going. ”
Sir Winston Churchill

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. ”
Oscar Wilde

“I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. ”
Thomas Alva Edison

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. ”
Mel Brooks

“Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny. ”
Guy Davenport

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. ”
General George S. Patton

“My grandmother wanted me to have an education, so she kept me out of school ”
Margaret Mead

“As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' — probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. ”
Woody Allen

“Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings. ”
George Will

“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. ”
Joe Theismann

“Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom. ”
General George S. Patton

“It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. ”
Abraham Lincoln

“There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action. ”
Johann von Goethe

“Every good communist should know that political power grows out of the barrel of a gun. ”
Mao Tse Tung

“Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats. ”
Howard Aiken

“It is a man's own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways. ”
Buddha

“Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock. ”
Will Rogers

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing sound they make as they go by.”
Douglas Adams

“The two most important tools an architect has are the eraser in the drawing room and the sledge hammer on the construction site.”
Frank Lloyd Wright

“In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.”
Friedrich Nietzsche

“Wherever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego.'”
Friedrich Nietzsche

“A friend is someone who will help you move.
A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.”
Anon.

“If I were given one hour to save the planet, I would spend 59 minutes defining the problem and one minute resolving it.”
Albert Einstein

“The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise the wealth that it prevents you from achieving.”
Russell Green

“I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.”
Margaret Thatcher

“The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.”
Kilgore Trout

“We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.”
Aesop

“To know all is not to forgive all. It is to despise everybody.”
Quentin Crisp

“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”
Groucho Marx

“I'll see you in the next life / Wake me up for meals. ”
Warren Zevon

“Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.”
W.C. Fields

“The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.”
Mark Twain

“Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.”
Ambrose Bierce

“Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”
Mark Twain

“Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy.”
Spike Milligan

“Doing a thing well is often a waste of time.”
Robert Byrne

“I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.”
Garrison Keillor

“Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.”
William Feather

“The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.”
Niels Bohr

“Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.”
David Letterman

“Son, always tell the truth. Then you'll never have to remember what you said the last time.”
Sam Rayburn

“You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public.”
Scott Adams

“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction.”
E. F. Schumacher

“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.”
Douglas Adams

“There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise. ”
Gore Vidal

“I shut my eyes in order to see.”
Paul Gauguin

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward

“There is no way to understand the public reaction to the sight of a Freak smashing a coconut with a hammer on the hood of a white Cadillac in a Safeway parking lot unless you actually do it... and I tell you it’s tense.”
Hunter S. Thompson

“If you think it's expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur.”
Red Adair

“The opposite of every great idea is another great idea.”
Niels Bohr

“You are not thinking. You are merely being logical.”
Niels Bohr to Albert Einstein

“For every expert, there is an equal and opposite expert.”
Arthur C. Clarke

“Form follows function straight to hell.”
Alan Cooper

“All good technology should be used to piss off people's parents.”
Neil Gaiman

“Attractive things work better.”
Donald Norman

“The saying "Getting there is half the fun" became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines.”
Henry J. Tillman

“Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.”
Robert Orben

“Don't be a fool and die for your country. Let the other sonofabitch die for his.”
General George S. Patton

“If I give up drinking, smoking, and fatty foods, I can add ten years to my life. Trouble is, I'll add it to the wrong end.”
P.J. O'Rourke

“Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?”
Frank Scully

“You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.”
Al Capone

“The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.”
P.J. O'Rourke

“I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts.”
Orson Welles

“If you want creative workers, give them enough time to play.”
John Cleese

“Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but MAN... So to answer your question, I dunno.”
Homer Simpson

“America is the only society that went from barbarism to decadence, without experiencing civilisation.”
George Bernard Shaw

“The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.”
Victor Borge

“My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.”
Henry Youngman

“In my country, we have two parties. The stupid party, of which I am a member, and the evil party, which we oppose vehemently. Sometimes my party wins, in which case we get lots of stupid legislation. Sometimes the other party wins, in which case we get lots of evil legislation. Occasionally, the parties act together in what we call 'bipartisanship,' in which case we get legislation which is both evil and stupid.”
Anon.

“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it.”
Clarence Darrow

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”
Dr. Seuss

“There ought to be one day-- just one-- when there is open season on senators.”
Will Rogers

“Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.”
P.J. O'Rourke

“I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.”
George Carlin

“Women and cats will do as they please, men and dogs should relax and get used to it.”
Robert Heinlein.

“Imagine what it would be like if TV actually were good. It would be the end of everything we know.”
Marvin Minksy

“When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.”
Norm Crosby

“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.”
Groucho Marx

“Nobody can give you freedom. Nobody can give you equality or justice or anything. If you're a man, you take it.”
Malcom X

“We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.”
Jeff Marder

“When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”
Woody Allen

“Lee Harvey. You are a madman. When you stole that cow? And your friend tried to make it with the cow? I wanna party with you.”
John Winger (Bill Murrary from Stripes)

“It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.”
Voltaire

“Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.”
Douglas Adams

“A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.”
Joseph Stalin

“Why are things always in the last place you look for them?
Because you stop looking when you find them.”
Children's Riddle

“An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field.”
Niels Bohr

“Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.”
Blake Clark

“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.”
Scott Adams

“Howard Hughes was able to afford the luxury of madness, like a man who not only thinks he is Napoleon but hires an army to prove it.”
Ted Morgan

“Curiosity may have killed the cat, but I?ll bet she had a really interesting life up until then.”
Anon.

“When you cannot get a compliment any other way pay yourself one.”
Mark Twain

“In the fight between you and the world, back the world.”
Frank Zappa

“(When caught reading the Bible)
I'm looking for loop-holes.”
W.C. Fields

“In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language. ”
Mark Twain

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
Mark Twain

“Everything is design. Everything!”
Paul Rand

“In design sometimes one plus one equals three.”
Josef Albers

“Form follows function - that has been misunderstood. Form and function should be one, joined in a spiritual union.”
Frank Lloyd Wright

“Beauty without depth is just decoration.”
Metadesign

“...constraint breeds creatively. Difficult situations breed astonishing results.”
Jeffrey Veen

“The development of new typefaces is a barometer of the stupidity of our profession.”
Paul Rand

“My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.”
Errol Flynn

“Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.”
Orson Welles

“If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?”
Harry Shearer

“If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.”
Vince Lombardi

“Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.”
P.J. O'Rourke

“111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321”

“FACT : Sissy Spacek was originally cast as Princess Leia in Star Wars. Burt Reynolds was originally cast as Han Solo.”

“2 and 5 are the only primes that end in 2 or 5. ”

“It is a misconception to believe that watching TV in a dark room is bad for your eyes. This myth was created to help sell lamps in the early 1950's. ”

“One billion seconds is about 32 years. ”

“One year contains 31,557,600 seconds. ”

“American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class. ”

“Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look alike contest. ”

“The right side of a boat was called the starboard side due to the fact that the astronavigators used to stand out on the plank (which was on the right side) to get an unobstructed view of the stars. The left side was called the port side because that was the side that you put in on at the port. This was so that they didn't knock off the starboard.”

“David Rice Atchinson was President of the United States for exactly one day. ”

“Former U.S. president, William Taft once got stuck in the White House bathtub. ”

“James Buchanan was the only unmarried president of the U.S. ”

“Jimmy Carter was the first U.S. president born in a hospital. ”

“Theodore Roosevelt finished a speech he was delivering after being shot in the chest, before he accepted any medical help in 1812.”

“Drummer Keith Moon often thought about quitting the Who. He approached both the Beach Boys and the Beatles to see if they needed a new drummer. ”

“The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ”

“The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.”

“The youngest pope was 11 years old. ”

“First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. ”

“If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. ”

“The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P. ”

“Q. What separates ""60 Minutes,"" on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song. ”

“Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an Illinois state law. ”

“Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? ”

“You cannot fold a piece of paper in half more than six times, no matter what the size. ”

“SCIENTIA EST POTENTIA ”

“FUTUE TE ET IPSUM CABALLUM ”

“NIL ILLEGITIMUS CARBORUNDUM ”

“VAH! DENUONE LATINE LOQUEBAR? ME INEPTUM. INTERDUM MODO ELABITUR. ”

“Hemingway rewrote the ending to A Farewell to Arms 39 times. When asked about how he achieved his great works, he said, "I write 99 pages of crap for every one page of masterpiece." He has also been quoted as saying "the first draft of anything is shit."”

“Put cheese on your hamburger. No point in using only part of the cow. ”
Anon.

“There's room for all God's creatures. Right next to the mashed potatoes. ”
Anon.

“The word "byte" is a contraction of "by eight." ”

“The WD in WD-40 stands for Water Displacer. ”

“Ants don?t sleep.”

“A barnacle has the largest penis of any other animal in relation to its size. ”

“It is anatomically impossible for humans to lick their own elbow. ”

“Actor Lorne Greene had one of his nipples ripped off by an alligator. ”

“Amateur boxer Joe Flanagin named his two sons Bob and Weave. ”

“73% of Test tube babies have an irrational fear of aquariums. ”

“The heart of a blue whale is the size of a small car. ”

“Our eyes are always the same size from birth. ”

“Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy. ”

“The first episode of "Joanie Loves Chachi" was the highest rated American program in the history of Korean television. "Chachi" is Korean for "penis."”

“Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." William Jefferson Clinton is the second.”

“Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
”

“Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.”
Matt Groening

“The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.”
David Friedman

“The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word 'crisis.' One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger - but recognize the opportunity.”
Richard M. Nixon

“You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.”
Jack London

“Whenever you have an efficient government you have a dictatorship.”
Harry S. Truman

“There is nothing worse than a brilliant image of a fuzzy concept.”
Ansel Adams

“With type as with philosophy, music and food, it is better to have a little of the best than to be swamped with the derivative, the careless, the routine.”
Robert Bringhurst

“Even if it is true that the average man seems most comfortable with the commonplace and familiar, it is equally true that catering to bad taste, which we so readily attribute to the average reader, merely perpetuates that mediocrity and denies the reader one of the most easily accessible means for esthetic development and eventual enjoyment.”
Paul Rand

“The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself.”
Sir Richard Francis Burton

“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”
Mark Twain

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde

“Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.”
Oscar Wilde

“One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.”
Kurt Vonnegut

“The problem with the global village is all the global village idiots.”
Paul Ginsparg

“There's no justice like angry-mob justice.”
Principal Seymour Skinner

“A person is smart. People are stupid.”
Agent J

“America is a nation without a distinct criminal class with the possible exception of Congress.”
Mark Twain

“He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.”
David Frost

“And if everybody says that you are wrong, then you are one step ahead. But there is one situation which is better still, when everyone begins to laugh about you, then you know you are two steps ahead.”
Albert Szent-Gyorgi

“Art is not a mirror held up to reality, but a hammer with which to shape it.”
Berthold Brecht

“Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.”
Pablo Picasso

“Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.”
Barry Switzer

“Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.”
Doug Larson

“To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.”
Theodore Roosevelt

“John Kerry's hometown newspaper, the Lowell Sun, endorses George W. Bush for president. Bush's hometown newspaper, the Lone Star Iconoclast, endorses John Kerry for president.”

“Even today, 90% of the continental United States is still open space or farmland.”

“Seven percent of Americans claim they never bathe at all.”

“We forget 80 percent of what we learn everyday.”

“When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? ”

“Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana.”
Groucho Marx

“Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.”
Woody Allen

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
Oscar Wilde

“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.”
Red Skelton

“I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.”
Bruce Grocott

“Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.”
H. G. Wells

“A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.”
Joseph Stalin

“Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen.”
P. J. O'Rourke

“A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.”
P.J. O'Rourke

“Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.”
P.J. O'Rourke

“The past is never dead. It's not even past.”
William Faulkner

“Anger is more useful than despair.”
Terminator 3

“Rage is the only quality which has kept me, or anybody I have ever studied, writing columns for newspapers.”
Jimmy Breslin

“Somebody has to do something, and it's just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us.”
Jerry Garcia

“The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.”
Harlan Ellison

“Talk low, talk slow, and don't talk too much.”
John Wayne

“Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.”
Kurt Vonnegut

“One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, there ain't nothin' can beat teamwork.”
Edward Abbey

“Love is the big booming beat which covers up the noise of hate.”
Margaret Cho

“Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.”
Niels Bohr

“There is absolutely no inevitability as long as there is a willingness to contemplate what is happening.”
Marshall McLuhan

“I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.”
G. K. Chesterton

“A sympathetic Scot summed it all up very neatly in the remark, 'You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and folk dancing.'”
Sir Arnold Bax

“The meek shall inherit the Earth, but not its mineral rights.”
J. Paul Getty

“All of us learn to write in the second grade. Most of us go on to greater things.”
Bobby Knight

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.”
Joan Rivers

“If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.”
Dean Martin

“The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.”
Larry Hardiman

“With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn't think possible in today's world. They have created a land of make-believe that's worse than regular life.”
P. J. O'Rourke

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